Dear My First …

Boyfriend (unless we are including the boyfriends I made in primary school😂)…

Looking back now you seem like a million and one years ago. I don’t even know if you need a letter at this stage but you seemed to be the right place to begin my journey.

I want to shout ‘YOU BROKE MY HEART’ , but

I don’t think I ever gave it to you.

You didn’t break my heart but you reminded me how fragile they can be and another layer of bubble wrap was added to it.

I still remember meeting you,we were kids on holiday with our family’s across the world. I don’t even think we predicted the events to unfold. The first time I layed eyes on you I was mounting the back of a camel in aid of a hotel entertainment show.

… I should of known then to leave this children’s summer holiday romance in the summer , after all I had known you a week and you had already caused a volcano of drama between all the holiday kids club 😂 .

Summer was over and you were a distant memory

, until you weren’t.

If I look back I now realise I was rebelling , complicated young girl or you could say I was like every other teenage girl.

I don’t know what 15 year old me intentions were however I knew you were a person I should steer clear from.

At first you were everything I thought wanted an older ‘wiser’ bad boy turned good – FOR ME. I was so proud to have you , at the time full of ambition love and happiness. I watched you change and grow through you’re a levels and uni and work , whilst you saw me through a house move , a new baby sister , a new start in 6th form. I was young foolish and thought I was in love , what would be expected from a young 15 year old girl.

Our relationship soon was filled with lies , jealousy , pressure and manipulation. A mirror that followed me in many ways ever since.

Since you , not one man has manipulated me (without me being aware ).

I don’t believe you are a bad person , maybe the timing ? Maybe the combination of me , you and the timing.

I do know you consciously put eminence pressure on a young vulnerable confused girl who relieded on you for protection and comfort. You took whatever you wanted including my best friend on my birthday.

Even as a young girl I wasn’t surprised that a man could be so cruel, as my primary world had be shaped by negative male role models or ghosts.

What hurt me the most is the confessions were all out of spite , you took time out of you’re day to hurt me when all I wanted was for you to love me and to be loved.

You defaced my social media posts , my friends lives , you text my mum , you harassed me.

You had hurt me , I was trying to focus on my priorities and move on and you still took time from you’re day to contact me and ruin my happiness. You consumed yourself with spite jealousy and anger and it was not pleasant to receive or witness.

I could continue to drag up all the vicious horrible ways you hurt me in the past,

however that’s what you are my past. I can’t ignore you as you are part of my growth wether negative or positive I have reused lessons I learnt from my experience with you.

You set in stone to me an example of an adult relationship, as it was of a similar nature to the relationships I had witnessed first hand growing up.

This carving we had made set the stone of so many of my future experiences , I was filled with resentment and hate towards men which was coninously being reinforced.

You were my first ‘relationship’ , you taught me so many life lessons so early on and therefore I am greatful as a result I have probably missed out on even more heartache. (As little did I know this was just the start of heartache)

It has been 10 years and 3 months since I first saw you

but it has been 7 months since you last contacted me and if you ever read this letter I want you to know your’ spiteful messages , your’ loving messages and your’ mind games stopped bothering me YEAR AGO, so for you’re sake and mine don’t waste you’re time.

I forgive you.

I don’t hate you.

I thank you.

I don’t despise you.

I do hope you are happy , I hope you treat your future wife like a queen , I hope you teach your sons not to treat their daughter like you did me. And I pray you teach your daughter to never let a man determine her worth and success based on her obedience to a man, like you did to me.

From a Butterfly x


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