… opened my eyes to exploring my sexuality AKA the girl who turned me 😂
We met during a time of confusion (the stress of being a teenager is enough) , we started 6th form together you moved with all of you’re fellow secondary school companions and I was one of the few lone fishes. I had many classes with either you or people you had grown up alongside.
If I think back to how we began talking some form of social media , twitter moved to bbm.
I remember the moment you looked at me and I caught you’re attention for a slight second , I don’t think I held it for very long. We were playing a silly little game in the common room with a mutual friend and I mentioned I had kissed a girl before . (I was drunk with friends once at the age of 16 – never did I imagine I was not straight)…
I wonder if you would be able to remember any of this , or was I just a blip in your life.
Now looking back I think I caught you’re eye not out of affection and lust but out of interest. You being a partially out of the closest lesbian , was interested in another individual that could possibly be experiencing a similar journey to you.
However I don’t think you stoped and considered once even after telling you this was new for me , I was confused and lost . I was scared , not because I felt any negative thoughts towards exploring this journey because this was an unknown path . A new path I had never even in my wildest dreams considered. I remember you texting me , asking, confirming and sharing sexuality stories , in which I confirmed I am straight with a boyfriend however ‘but we will find you a sexy boy or girl to party with this summer.’ …
Not knowing then it was ME who spent the whole summer waiting for you to notice me.
Our journey progressed , during English I struggled to keep my eyes off of you , you also intrigued me despite me attempting to maintain a distance.
I was in a horrible, manipulative , toxic relationship and you showed me attention love and kindness and maybe I latched on to that , maybe I latched on because I was confused. Because of you I finally found the courage to leave him , because of you and all my many supportive new friends.
( I also have to give all much love and credit to someone who began as a mutual friend of ours and ended up being my best friend, she barely knew me and this one individual helped me to understand you and my feelings , she taught me I am still Me regardless of who I date , that very friend will always have a special place in my heart)
… back on track…
As soon as I began feeling a little bit comfortable , a little bit reciprocating you just seemed to push me away every time , I still remember the feelings of confusion and excitement – intense overwhelming scary feelings.
Later in life finding out I tend to be attracted to intense.
When sixth form broke up for summer I was so agitated and impatient to go back into an English lesson just to hear you’re voice.
I set my bbm light to a rainbow flash for you’re messages just to make sure I never missed a message. I spent 5/10/15 minutes waiting to reply to the message I had already read just to ensure I didn’t come across needy.
You distracted my bad, you were my good , my happiness and I banked it all on you.
So when things didn’t go my way it did feel to me as thought my heart was shattering.
After a few stolen kisses , many stolen moments and hours of texts followed thousands of lies , deceit and pain. But I put that all down to YOU being confused.
You were the first girl I slept with , you waited for 6th form to be over , you waited for me to forget about you and move on.
Before eagerly texting me to come around to you’re house , I knew you and I knew what you wanted from me.
You used me , you played with my emotions, upon reflection you were never any better than any male who done the same to me.
But I do not regret you.
The Diary Of A Butterfly 🦋 