I loved / love you ,dangerously and unprotected. I dropped any guards I taught myself to build my whole life. Even after repeatedly being abused and manipulated in the past.
I contradicted my whole life philosophy of shutting humans out just before they get too close , and trust me I tried to shut you away many times. I knew you , me , us combined was terrible but I think my disorderly ways of pushing you away just intrigued you even more. You were a puzzle that I needed to complete.
I thought you trusted in me and I wanted to be a better person for you. You made me want better.
I don’t know if I ever stopped loving you , you still have the ability to make me cry, laugh, hurt inside after years apart – how do you do that ? After all these years I learnt to accept maybe you’re hold would always be on me , I have tried to lock you away for the sake of me , my new relationship so maybe this letter will help because locking you away hasn’t worked for me.
If I wrote this letter a year ago I think it would of been a more emotionally letter , messed up and still healing because that’s how bad it got after you left , but you never bothered to check….but since then I have grown , a lot.
Every story has two sides , we have never discussed our sides , everything just erupted , with lots of secrets and lies. This is not me saying you’re side / recollection is incorrect. This is just me explaining your presence in my life.
I remember first hearing about you , you’re name was always on everyone’s lips , I was made aware you were dangerous on several occasions. I was a reckless 20 year old student/bar tender , I loved dangerous , I was curious – but I never approached you, I always observed from a far.
I can recall a very drunken night out (which night wasn’t) , I think that was the first night I appreciated how beautiful you are , you shined , you also got me very drunk miss bartender. We kissed.
You reminded me the next morning over some very cute Instagram DM’s , I still thought nothing of this , like I said I was a reckless 20 year old , you had my attention but it was reserved. I decided to ignore the gossip , I take a person as I see them , I let you become closer.
You started hanging around me a bit more , I couldn’t help but notice you – sitting on the end of my bar , smiling, flirting etc , I was charmed , I was excited, I was curious, I thought this girl has balls and she is brave.
Our friendship group was a big size it was easy for me to find an excuse to spend time with you without me asking you , just to test the waters.
I convinced my very good friend at the time who was seeing you’re friend to invite us all out for a milkshake (I had over heard you say you liked milkshakes from this place).
You were beautiful , you smelled amazing , you smiled at the perfect moments. I wanted to kiss you in that moment. But I reserved. You’re friend was cold so me being the person I am gave her my coat. If I recall you were very openly jealous and pissed off at me for this. I wanted that , I had you … or did I ? Did you play me , did you know I wanted that.
In my head you were triggered and showed me I can let you come a little closer , can you see my logic ?
… and the rest we both know was a crazy rollercoaster. To this day I remember that feeling but it would never feel the same as the reality of it, I can’t re create the feeling of my heart being pulled out little by little. You still have my heart and this is me claiming ownership back over my heart.
But nor do I ever regret our chapter , some nights and I sit there and it still bothers me that I feel like I wasn’t enough for you ? Wasn’t pretty enough? Clever enough? Wealthy enough? I tried my best to provide everything you needed but what was wrong with me ? And then there is other days I am grateful for you , appreciate you and I love you from a far.
All of this and you probably don’t even remember me on a good day , but I’m also fine with that , my love for you built me , broke me and I came back stronger and I’m proud of that.
I do miss you , you did break my heart , the only girl that has. But I can accept that , I can accept my faults , I can accept you will always be a huge chapter of my 20’s.
The first night we kissed in my car , cuddled , got close , you cried to me you showed me how vulnerable you are and I loved it. I love the idea of the sexy cold hearted ice queen has a heart and she showed it to me. I wanted to protect you , I felt to need and urge and responsibility to ensure you were loved , looked after and safe forever. I knew I loved you that night.
I will never break that promise , I just need to stop loving you so much that it still hurts because I can’t protect you like that any more and I need to face reality. (I hope you’re not reading this and thinking I’m crazy)
I believe we are in a good place now , it has taken a long long journey to get here but I do believe we are in a healthy good place with each other NOW. So I do not write any of this in hate , reminiscing over it all make me happy but yes also reminds me of a dark place , not just because my time with you with you but a dark place as a whole. Both our mental healths were crazy, we were crazy , you were like a drug to me and I was addicted. I craved instant gratification, and you couldn’t commit that to me.
But all I crave from you now , if you asked me a month ago – to see you for you to look me in the eye and talk to me so I can gain closure.
But I don’t know if I can do that to myself , my partner and every person that supported me after the left over mess I was .
So now all I crave is acceptance of the fact you were aware I loved you – I needed you – and you knew that and willing hurt me. I just need you to claim acceptance on you’re part of the chapter.
Did you ever love me ?
Did you ever love me sexually ? We had moments I know we did ? They haven’t been made up even though you have told everyone they have , tell me the truth just me.
All those kisses ? Cuddles? Strokes ? Chats ? Were any of them real ? Any at all , because to this day I am still loving the idea of you rather than you , I never had you and it turns out I didn’t really know much either despite the endless time we had spent together.
On the 13th of may , after having a little cry in my partners arms this is what I wrote….