Dear My First Love

( you are going to find this very very cheesy) But here it goes … please don’t let this make any group chats 😂

Where to start this letter … I was hoping not to have needed to have put it down on paper before delivering it the way it’s intended , but plans change. Because I don’t believe this chapter is over as yet but that’s not my decision to make.

We were 18?

You were not my first no, but I waited for you; Your friend was , my first that is, however only attracted each other because of our mutual sexuality and the limited numbers around us forced us together under the circumstances. I am so grateful she brought me to you though.

I always felt awful for doing so but you grew distant with each other and I really did fall for you , and trust me I tried to stay away but I was too curious for my own good. And that bit me in the ass.

I can recall the first night I met you , like it was yesterday , I remember the smell of summer & fags in the night air.

;you were not like the others ,I could see you’re vulnerability shining so beautifully. You were lost , I could see that because I have always been lost , that attracted me , pulled me in closer – I just wanted/ want to love and protect you but at every attempt I failed. I heard the stories , you didn’t even go to my sixth form but I heard the stories before I put a name to the face . But that face was damn beautiful , the eyes , you’re love for life.

I think for us … timing , I truly believe we were the right people in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it’s very rare for me to say you were the right person, or admit there has been a ‘right’ person. Laugh at me if you want but I think if we had a stronger knowledge , more age and maturity and a bit more stability in our own personal lives we could of been something passionate and great. Because 6 years later I hold the same light to you’re name, as sad as that makes me.

Summer and alcohol was too important to us as this time of our lives , our pride , our love was fiery and we needed to learn how to tame that fire before we could burn things together. I don’t like to use the word regret , but I do regret and hate the lack of control we had with the timings of us. Being a teenager is hard enough, our love was older than our age and maturity.

You were / are always perfect to me , and it always fascinated me how little you could see what I saw. I spent my A-Level revision time staring at pictures of you, reading you’re tweets , checking my Phone to see if you had replied. I’d play you’re YouTube on repeat.

I may have seemed confident about my love of girls and my quick sexuality make over , but I need you to understand I was never as brave as the kids around us coming out.

I haven’t seen you in years but I only came out to my mum last November, it was an obstacle I struggled to overcome , still struggling.

I was never confident but you were lost and confused to – we couldn’t carry each other at that given time and I have made my peace with that.

Playing the blame game won’t move us into any place but the past.

After over a year in you’re life I had no title , no exclusivity , a few stolen kisses only when you were drunk enough to face kissing me.( that’s what it felt like, I can only speak from my perspective)

It hurt . I’m not saying you didn’t hurt. But I just wanted to be yours, and that made me angry. I have recently learnt how to deal with my anger and frustrations a bit better there were still many years of anger and hate years after you so if you ever though you caused me anger or pain. Don’t , I am a complicated human I always have been but I felt safe with you .

I felt home. I just wanted you to confirm it.

And that was scary , especially without any title I felt replaceable. And you did leave.

But before you left you gave me the best valentines 💕 so thank you

But I understand.

College was hard , after we stopped talking I just didn’t want to be there knowing you were around me and saw me as invisible it hurt.

You’re girlfriend messaging me years later …. brought a smile , a tear , and that feeling of not being good enough all over again.

A smile because I was important enough to be mentioned , so maybe deep down you felt some sort of emotion toward me , which filled me up with love and a massive smile.

And all the other feelings reminded me I wasn’t enough for you , but that’s not a you problem it’s me and my external daddy issues. Yes we both could of handled things better but when you are ready maybe just for a full understanding of everything you could explain to me , and I could explain better to , and , if you want closure that’s what we could bring each other.

… or if you wanted to keep our page open that option is there too .

Whatever you choose , I’ll be here , I will always have time in my life for you Tomato head , I will always love .

I am still as curious today about you as I was the first time I met you 7 years ago.

But if you want to reply to this in another 7 years I’ll be here too. But life is short and I would hate for you to re enter my life as soon as I get to my prime of wrinkles 😂

There have been a lot of girls , I am not proud of the last few years but there has been sooo many girls – only 2 I can say I loved for whatever reason – you are girl number 1 .

Bud Livvy B , I never let you go , I made sure I was still around and present or hope I did make sure you knew I was here all these years.

I have no expectations of you or from you , I have spent the last 7 years loving you and regardless of what happens next I have learnt to know my emotions well enough to know this love will always be here. You were / are so important to me. You will always have safety with me if you need it.

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