Science lab (TW)

It’s the 21st century.

We are now a generation that have been exposed to the idea of prioritising ‘self love’.

And I believe it is very important. But no one teaches or tells you how to turn hate into love.

I grew up in a time that emotions and crying and ‘acting like a little girl’ was a prominent and common term.

Growing up in a very strong female led household it has always been a very important idea to me. The idea of being ‘strong’ , we were not taught to highlight emotions or to reach for happiness.

It was disregarded it was important to be successful and strong. Especially as a woman.

As a ‘abuse survivor’ – I hate , despise that term , being categorised into a section of people that are all so different. It is nothing but belittling. And the term survivor in itself – I’m have been and I am surviving – but that is all nothing more or nothing less.

But right now that term helps articulate what I am getting to.

Having that label hanging over you , it’s even more important for me to view myself as ‘strong’ whatever that term means.

I was a 12 year old child psychically and to the world , but in mind I was past my years.

School , secondary school is already hard in its own way, but the whole school talking discussing your life. Your trauma.

Well that was hard.

The one person I confided in had shared my pain in the most evil way – she shared it because a boy she liked , liked me.

She put my pain on display but not out of kindness out of cruelty.

All over social media .

For my fellow class mates and older peers , for my teachers & superiors.

I can still recall being summoned from class into my head of years office to see my mum reading over print out of this public humiliation. I was made to feel dirty.


If I cried , showed any form of weakness a teacher was by my side , either off their own back or the ones that were just doing their job after a concern fellow 12 year old had alerted them of my feelings. It was important to me to not break.

At home . I knew my family were hurting from the backlash. Blame , confusion and pain filled our walls whilst being painted in unrealistic grins and smiles.

At school . I was on show , my feelings , my story.

A kind teacher I shall not name let me sit in his room from time to time , the times I needed to escape.

A girl , I could name but has no relevance.

I remember her vividly.

We went to primary school together too, she was one year my elder but had always intrigued me.

She would also sometime be in this teachers classroom , the science lab.

I watched her , at lunch , and her friends , I observed them from my quiet corner.

Constantly breaking rules , time after time.

One day I observed her talking to her friends about pain.

I watched the way she dismantled a pencil sharpener from her pencil case.

I recited the motions in my mind.

Why would she do such a thing ?

I then watched her swiftly swipe the tiny ,half rusty – half shiny ,but apparent blade across her arm. I watched her arm slice and the blood rise.

That memory stayed safe in my mind , stays safe in my mind.

Later than day I arrived home… alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts , I too reached for my pencil case.

I recited her actions.

It hurt , but it also felt good. I watched the thin runny red substance form droplets and fall to my wooden floor boards.

It left me confused but happy, the juxtapose in emotions left me overwhelmed but at-least I could feel something. I felt alive rather than surviving by a thread.

I never needed to cry once I had my new best friend in my arms, in my control , in my power. And I wasn’t weak for doing so , in my mind I believed it made me strong as the only person that could feel the consequences to my actions was myself.

In this moment I believed I could protect the world from me… From my weakness. From my pain. From my shame. From my broken mind and body.

I rolled my sleeves down and made my way downstairs due to the calls of my mother alerting me dinner was ready. In that moment I felt strong and in control – I was not crying like a little girl , I was bleeding like a strong man.

This was my new secret.

My new routine.

Not for the world.

Not for others.

Not open to judgement.

But this was something for me , something only me and my body knew about.

And for that reason I am so protective of you my little habit , so committed & so loving to you .

Because you in a dark way saved me when no one else could. You and only you allowed me to breathe whilst being suffocated.

Now I need someone/ something to teach me how to hate the reason I was able to love myself. This character needs to be eliminated , but I know I’m going to have to teach myself how to breath without assistance.

…And I will be lying if I said I wasn’t scared but to commit to the idea of ‘self love’ , my oxygen tank needs to be switched off.

I am nothing but aware .

And willing.


Addiction. (Trigger warning)

All I want to do is see it.

Maybe I like seeing it more than feeling it.

I want both right now.

I’ve been trying so hard to control my urges.

To stop thinking about it all the time. It’s an addiction I know that now.

Maybe once before it was less than that.

It was a release.

Now it is both , I want it for the release , but I need it because how else do I deal with life …

Some people are addicted to gambling , smoking , drugs of all shapes and sorts.

My little addiction is a secret

No one can know.

I am 26 .

You believe people you can trust , should trust , the people you believe know you, truly know you, could maybe possibly understand.

So you open up.

It never ends well , you either receive pity, an ambulance , the ‘help’ chat.

Or , I still am unsure what is worse, the slowly but sure distance that becomes wedged between you and the person you believe could try to understand.

Addictions break bridges.

But when the bridges are broken my addictions are what are with me.

Vicious circles.

Every time the addiction isn’t fed , you feel as though you have achieved something , something you are so proud of . Something you can’t share with anyone.


That proud smug feeling.

But the addiction is still hungry , longing and screaming to be attended to.

Then something, something just anything happens and you excuse yourself to indulge.

That is the cycle of addiction. And I now understand that.

But whilst I’m writing this , I’m not feeding it. I am desperate to break the cycle , desperate to know myself again without this dark cloud.

Desperate to connect with people without the shame. The thought of this dirty little secret one day being public knowledge.

I wanted to stop writing at this point.

But all I can see in my head it the thought of my scared and damaged writs feeling that feeling.

Looking that way.

Watching the skin break

And the blood rising to the top

Watching the blood darken , clot and dry

And the stinging feeling of pain hate and regret being left on my body.

I wish I could be better , believe I could be better.

I am 26

When will it be better.

12 year old me that once experimented during a science detention with a broken sharpener never imagined being here today.

Happy Birthday My Love

Baby girl

Happy birthday beautiful , you are 21 !! (I have finally lost my peado status) going to have to find a younger girl 😉

I couldn’t be prouder of you , you are shining more than you can imagine in the grand scale of life I haven’t been in yours for much of it. However it feels like I’ve known you a lifetime I have had the privillage to watch you transform from a beautiful teenager into a stunning woman.

I love you for you and all you are. I love how despite me believing I’d never love like this you managed to flip that vision around and now all I think about in my life now put is us , a future , kids ,marriage.

A life I could never imagine before and now I can ,thanks to you.

I want you to know and understand you are SO loved .. Appreciated … and respected although it may not seem so at all points in our time together and we are both firey young lady’s that like winning probably doesn’t help us. We had a rocky journey to get here but we pulled through despite the world pushing against us and I am so glad we did because I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it , Annoying me , loving me or organising me and these are just a few things that you do for me on a long long list.

Now on to you …. your so amazing I know at times this year you haven’t felt that or seen that , but you are fucking amazing I know I can be hard on you but the world is shit and hard and I don’t want to see you crumble I know it’s not always the best method and what you needed but I’m learning . But you are too and you’re doing a much better job than I was doing at 21 – trust me !

I especially love the relationship you have developed with the other love of my life – Alexis. This honestly means the world to me every time I see it , see the two of you together or you mentioning her and you’re beautiful eyes light up.

You love me and what makes me and I love you for that . But in addition you carry my baggage and for that I am eternally greatful and in a massive debt to you my princess. I hope I get the chance to look after you the way you have mine , to change you’re life the way you have mine . You taught me love , you are my love.

And now at the age of 21 I have requests of you – I want you to love yourself more than the world 💕, it is so important to be selfish and self love sometimes love blinds everything but I want you to learn to prioritise yourself.

Believe in yourself – you are amazing baby , please once you believe that you’re life will change.

Do what you love.

Don’t waste your best years I know corona virus hasn’t exactly helped I know you’re frustrated because you want these things to. But take steps forward to manifest this. I will support whatever you do as long as you love what you do 💕

A New Years Message (01/17)

Happy New Years to my princess … Thank you for everything the smiles , the laughs even the hurt and the tears .. Because it was

All part of 2016 and despite it all we still managed to enter the New Years together with a smile .. I really do hope 2017 brings you everything you’re heart desires and I deeply regret that couldn’t be me however everything happens for a reason….. you’re a princess and you deserve the world … But you are still young and everything will fall in place at the right time ,

So spend less time stressing and more time smiling this year because that’s when you look the best with a smile

On you’re face … I love you and hope the path you’ve chosen fulfils you in the way that you want/need it to … I wouldn’t of changed the end of 2016 for the world because if I had to think of someone to go through everything with I couldn’t of think of anyone else for it to have been with … All boundaries have been broken between us and I can only speak for myself but although it has only been a few months it feel like a life time with you .. So never hesitate to call , text , snap (since its you’re fave form of communication) , because no matter what happens or even if we happen to grow apart in order for you to be happy , one message and I’ll always be there for you for anything … I mean this from the bottom of my heart , I genuinely pray 2017 is amazing for you and keeps you growing into the beautiful young lady you are …

… A Reply From A Letter …

Wow.. that was a lot. I just want you to know that I am beyond devastated for how everything went down and I am so unbelievably sorry that this is how you felt!

I don’t think I ever took a step back to see what a mess my life was turning into long enough to notice that I was hurting people I cared about and I regret that more than anything! I drunk non stop and popped pills to hide pains that were so deep rooted in me that no amount of anything was ever going to numb me enough.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that my actions affected you this way. At the time we were so in the moment that everything just blew up and I thought that taking myself away from not only you but the world was the only thing that would make the pain stop, I could have dealt with things better but I didn’t know how to process any of it. I love you so much ,honestly I was just so confused as to what that meant. You were my best friend and I regret ever putting you in a position that you had to question my feelings towards you. You were so hard to read and I thought you were naturally that way inclined with everyone that I didn’t think too much into it at the time and for that I’m apologise. To this day I still say it’s sad how things ended up with us because you were the person I felt most comfortable around and would do anything for.

I have the fondest memories with you and some of the hardest memories of a very difficult time too but I wouldn’t change any of it because it helped us grow and stand as the people we are today. Bettered, grown and maybe even a little bit less broken than we both were. For the difficult experiences in life that mould you as a person you can only ever be grateful and I’m grateful for you as you are, as a friend and as the one I went through some of the hardest times of my life with.

I struggled to ever get you to open up to me and let me help you through the darkness you would rather have faced alone. So I genuinely want to thank you for letting me see your side of things and letting me in on how you feel. I never intentionally wanted to hurt you or affect your life in such a negative way please believe me when I say that because it’s the gods honest truth. I just wasn’t myself and I didn’t recognise what I was doing to people, I hate the person I look back and see.

I would say I’d take back all the bad that happened all them years ago but thats one thing I can’t do. If I could take your pain and put it on my shoulders I’d do it in a heartbeat because it isn’t fair you live with anything I caused. I honestly do believe that people come into your life and things happen to you for a reason and although we did end up going our separate ways after loving and loosing… I will forever be grateful for all the amazing memories we share and for the love we have for one another! You drove me mad at the best of times (like 90% of the time ha) but you were my rock through a very very difficult stage in my life and I will always thank you for that as I know it wasn’t easy. I honestly did try and help you through any hurt and pain you were going through but I guess that never came through, I just wanted what was best for you in life.

I am so proud of how far you have come and how settled you are now! I’m pleased you found someone special to stand by your side and treat you well because that’s all the things you deserve! Although to be honest I never saw you Miss ********** as the settle down type haha. It just goes to show how much you have grown and become one with who you are and what you want in life. I’m over the moon that you are in a better place and I just want you to know that I want you to be able to let go of any hurt towards us and the past I don’t know what you needed from me but I hope just reading this message will clarify that nothing I ever did was ever intended to hurt you. Everything in life will help us on the path we are meant to take, I don’t like hearing that I am any kind of obstacle in your happiness.

I am truly sorry for everything and I know that may not help you or mean anything but I can only speak for the person I am now.

I have always wished you well and prayed that you find happiness, it’s all I ever will do.

Thank you again!

Goodbye For Now …

I haven’t written in a while. Not because I’ve been exceptionally busy , but just because.

How Are you all finding lockdown 3. I can remember the hidden joy in all of us last March when Boris told us to have a mini holiday with expenses included.

3 Lockdown’s in and it just doesn’t seem as appealing as it previously did.

This week has been exceptionally hard for me , probably the hardest in a long time. This this the first time me saying/ thinking/ articulating this. But as a ‘ex self harmer’ if that is the right phrase to you , I do not like to categorise myself into a ‘group’, I am very proud to say I have been in full control of my emotions despite thoughts being in my head to do that as a natural reaction to emotional pain , I controlled myself.

I am still fighting my inner bad bitch as to why this is hurting so much, and now I’m going to try & articulate the why to not only you but to me aswell.

I’m also learning it’s okay to have a sad day, because the more I fight it the day becomes a week , a week turns into a month.

Growing up I appeared to be a very solitary , independent child that might not always of been the case it was just the guards I had built in order to protect myself . I knew that if I was alone I was safer than being in the company of others. With adult eyes now I’d like to believe I was wrong , it was wrong of me to have such low expectations of people.

However not one ‘adult’ proved me different to the expectations I had already pre conceived based on past experiences.

I could spend hours describing the abandonment & attachment issues I have due to my absent father but I think this week it hit me. The parent I always focused my energy on was the parent who was not around but doesn’t deserve the attention as he was not present.

But then I begin to think of my strong , respectable , loving , caring mother.

Funny thing is though, in her right she is all of the above however I have based all of the above characteristics on the behaviour I have watched her present to my siblings.

This is the same mother who has kicked me out from a young age, repetitively for what I now know was just being being a teenager.

The same mother who when found out her 13 year old daughter was self harming told her to do it properly if your going to kill yourself.

The same mother who compared me to my abusive father whenever I showed any form of emotion.

The list could go on… before I continue this is not me bad mouthing my mother. I respect her as the single mother that put food in my stomach , educated me and put a roof over my head (for the most of it)

Instead this is me putting my trauma on paper , this is me moving on. This is me no longer making excuses , this is the child in me forgiving myself – this may be a process but this is the start.

I will no longer look for validation from those who built me to break me. I was always told I didn’t get cuddles and kisses like my other siblings , not because she loved me any less but because I required a different type of love.

Looking back now even 10 year old me knew it was a lie , but we all used this lie to make the norm. I was the bad daughter , the naughty daughter , the stupid daughter , the addicts daughter, the man who drugged & raped her daughter. I don’t blame her , I just wish I didn’t spend the past 25 years looking for this woman’s validation.

For those that know me , really know me , you all know I have cheeky/ naughty tendencies ( which most appreciate as it is never coming from a bad place , I’m just a bit of a goon) … But I was never naughty , this week my mum very aggressively repeated to me I was a unkind , unloving , selfish person. The 25 year old me shrunk back into the impressionable , angry child I was growing up and remembered the hateful feeling towards myself building up. I started crying – I hated myself for this reaction because I had been taught from a young age to not display these emotions to her … , I was a little child she could bully all over again… my anger kicked in , I learnt so much about myself in this moment – she has & will always be my trigger.

…. and I have not stopped crying since , this was 6 days ago.

If the one human in the world that is supposed to love you unconditionally forever couldn’t love me what hope do I have.

My mum has now made the choice to cut me out of her life completely after she confessed once again she regretted not getting me ‘sectioned’ from the day I was born.

What I learnt from this form of communication that was being thrown at me is that no matter what path I took in my life.

No matter if I was sexually abused or not.

No matter if I then suffered mental health issues following.

No matter if my siblings were naughty or ‘worse’ children than I was.

No matter if I studied what she wanted me to.

No matter if I got friends she liked.

No matter if I achieved well at school.

No matter if I was straight.

No matter if I was darker.

….I was never going to be enough,

And that is fine too.

I am at peace with that . Regardless of family connection you shouldn’t have to fight for anyone let alone a mother’s love.

This doesn’t make me any less of a person , or her.

We all have our reasons , my goal is now to let go of all these issues for the sake of myself , my siblings , my superstar girlfriend.

I want to be at peace with my mind , and this will take many years I am aware of this but we have to start somewhere right ? And removing toxic energy is the right way forward.

I am and will continue to be the bad bitch my mother taught me to be.

Dear My First Love

( you are going to find this very very cheesy) But here it goes … please don’t let this make any group chats 😂

Where to start this letter … I was hoping not to have needed to have put it down on paper before delivering it the way it’s intended , but plans change. Because I don’t believe this chapter is over as yet but that’s not my decision to make.

We were 18?

You were not my first no, but I waited for you; Your friend was , my first that is, however only attracted each other because of our mutual sexuality and the limited numbers around us forced us together under the circumstances. I am so grateful she brought me to you though.

I always felt awful for doing so but you grew distant with each other and I really did fall for you , and trust me I tried to stay away but I was too curious for my own good. And that bit me in the ass.

I can recall the first night I met you , like it was yesterday , I remember the smell of summer & fags in the night air.

;you were not like the others ,I could see you’re vulnerability shining so beautifully. You were lost , I could see that because I have always been lost , that attracted me , pulled me in closer – I just wanted/ want to love and protect you but at every attempt I failed. I heard the stories , you didn’t even go to my sixth form but I heard the stories before I put a name to the face . But that face was damn beautiful , the eyes , you’re love for life.

I think for us … timing , I truly believe we were the right people in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it’s very rare for me to say you were the right person, or admit there has been a ‘right’ person. Laugh at me if you want but I think if we had a stronger knowledge , more age and maturity and a bit more stability in our own personal lives we could of been something passionate and great. Because 6 years later I hold the same light to you’re name, as sad as that makes me.

Summer and alcohol was too important to us as this time of our lives , our pride , our love was fiery and we needed to learn how to tame that fire before we could burn things together. I don’t like to use the word regret , but I do regret and hate the lack of control we had with the timings of us. Being a teenager is hard enough, our love was older than our age and maturity.

You were / are always perfect to me , and it always fascinated me how little you could see what I saw. I spent my A-Level revision time staring at pictures of you, reading you’re tweets , checking my Phone to see if you had replied. I’d play you’re YouTube on repeat.

I may have seemed confident about my love of girls and my quick sexuality make over , but I need you to understand I was never as brave as the kids around us coming out.

I haven’t seen you in years but I only came out to my mum last November, it was an obstacle I struggled to overcome , still struggling.

I was never confident but you were lost and confused to – we couldn’t carry each other at that given time and I have made my peace with that.

Playing the blame game won’t move us into any place but the past.

After over a year in you’re life I had no title , no exclusivity , a few stolen kisses only when you were drunk enough to face kissing me.( that’s what it felt like, I can only speak from my perspective)

It hurt . I’m not saying you didn’t hurt. But I just wanted to be yours, and that made me angry. I have recently learnt how to deal with my anger and frustrations a bit better there were still many years of anger and hate years after you so if you ever though you caused me anger or pain. Don’t , I am a complicated human I always have been but I felt safe with you .

I felt home. I just wanted you to confirm it.

And that was scary , especially without any title I felt replaceable. And you did leave.

But before you left you gave me the best valentines 💕 so thank you

But I understand.

College was hard , after we stopped talking I just didn’t want to be there knowing you were around me and saw me as invisible it hurt.

You’re girlfriend messaging me years later …. brought a smile , a tear , and that feeling of not being good enough all over again.

A smile because I was important enough to be mentioned , so maybe deep down you felt some sort of emotion toward me , which filled me up with love and a massive smile.

And all the other feelings reminded me I wasn’t enough for you , but that’s not a you problem it’s me and my external daddy issues. Yes we both could of handled things better but when you are ready maybe just for a full understanding of everything you could explain to me , and I could explain better to , and , if you want closure that’s what we could bring each other.

… or if you wanted to keep our page open that option is there too .

Whatever you choose , I’ll be here , I will always have time in my life for you Tomato head , I will always love .

I am still as curious today about you as I was the first time I met you 7 years ago.

But if you want to reply to this in another 7 years I’ll be here too. But life is short and I would hate for you to re enter my life as soon as I get to my prime of wrinkles 😂

There have been a lot of girls , I am not proud of the last few years but there has been sooo many girls – only 2 I can say I loved for whatever reason – you are girl number 1 .

Bud Livvy B , I never let you go , I made sure I was still around and present or hope I did make sure you knew I was here all these years.

I have no expectations of you or from you , I have spent the last 7 years loving you and regardless of what happens next I have learnt to know my emotions well enough to know this love will always be here. You were / are so important to me. You will always have safety with me if you need it.

Sweet Dreams My Guardian💕

Dear Rosie ,

I am so sorry this came after such a long period of time , but you still feel like yesterday , I still expect to see you when I enter my mums house, and the disappointment that overcasts my mood every time I have to remind myself.

I am still in the aftermath of the first lockdown , my wounds are not healed as yet.

Rosie , you were my constant.

I can recall the day we brought you home , the first time I had to say goodbye to you and all the rollercoasters and moments in between, arguments , departures, changes. You watched me grow , significantly, and I am so grateful I had you by my side to experience life with .

When I felt like the whole world hated me , during all my angry teenage years you were my constant that provided me with more love than I deserve.

When we lived abroad and you probably felt the most abandoned I missed you , I never told you that but I did . And now I do too.

You were beautiful , and you had the kindest eyes I would cry to you about life and I always felt listened to … in my loneliest darkest moments – I always had you… and I think for that reason I stupidly took you for-granted. I hate that this lesson had to be learned like this , but now I will try to not take any moment in life for-granted. You taught me, more than you can imagine .

I had no direction with this blog , but my heart was sad and I needed to get my love for you on paper my dear darling , you were more than a dog / pet , you were my protector and sometimes the only honest communication I could have , I trusted and loved you with every bone.

You were my first love , and as now 25 year old woman who is greatly dealing to struggle with the loss of you’re presence in my life damn you Rosie ! Damn you for being so perfect.

One day I will find the perfect resting place for your ashes my love , but right now there is not a perfect enough place , not a constant enough place for you, and I want it to be perfect for you my guardian , you protected me for years and years so now it’s my chance.

You were a super hero , you’re health was never amazing unfortunately , we rescued you from a bad situation which left life changing affects on you – we both hated men the same amount to 😂. Every time there was a new medical problem throughout you’re life you pulled through , but I know you were in pain , I know you needed to sleep.I can not finish this blog properly as I underestimated the emotions this would rock inside of me.

My biggest regret is I wasn’t there. That you were alone in your last moments with no reassurance or love.

I will never forgive my mum for not making sure I was there.

I didn’t get a choice , or a goodbye.

I cooked for you the night before and dropped it off – if I knew what was happening the next day I would of had more time , I would of spent more time. And I’m so sorry my furry friend 💕

This is just a form of expression because if there is any chance at all in the universe this can get to you …. I love you forever Rosie 💕 Sweet Dreams


Dear My Unrequited Love …

I loved / love you ,dangerously and unprotected. I dropped any guards I taught myself to build my whole life. Even after repeatedly being abused and manipulated in the past.

I contradicted my whole life philosophy of shutting humans out just before they get too close , and trust me I tried to shut you away many times. I knew you , me , us combined was terrible but I think my disorderly ways of pushing you away just intrigued you even more. You were a puzzle that I needed to complete.

I thought you trusted in me and I wanted to be a better person for you. You made me want better.

I don’t know if I ever stopped loving you , you still have the ability to make me cry, laugh, hurt inside after years apart – how do you do that ? After all these years I learnt to accept maybe you’re hold would always be on me , I have tried to lock you away for the sake of me , my new relationship so maybe this letter will help because locking you away hasn’t worked for me.

If I wrote this letter a year ago I think it would of been a more emotionally letter , messed up and still healing because that’s how bad it got after you left , but you never bothered to check….but since then I have grown , a lot.

Every story has two sides , we have never discussed our sides , everything just erupted , with lots of secrets and lies. This is not me saying you’re side / recollection is incorrect. This is just me explaining your presence in my life.

I remember first hearing about you , you’re name was always on everyone’s lips , I was made aware you were dangerous on several occasions. I was a reckless 20 year old student/bar tender , I loved dangerous , I was curious – but I never approached you, I always observed from a far.

I can recall a very drunken night out (which night wasn’t) , I think that was the first night I appreciated how beautiful you are , you shined , you also got me very drunk miss bartender. We kissed.

You reminded me the next morning over some very cute Instagram DM’s , I still thought nothing of this , like I said I was a reckless 20 year old , you had my attention but it was reserved. I decided to ignore the gossip , I take a person as I see them , I let you become closer.

You started hanging around me a bit more , I couldn’t help but notice you – sitting on the end of my bar , smiling, flirting etc , I was charmed , I was excited, I was curious, I thought this girl has balls and she is brave.

Our friendship group was a big size it was easy for me to find an excuse to spend time with you without me asking you , just to test the waters.

I convinced my very good friend at the time who was seeing you’re friend to invite us all out for a milkshake (I had over heard you say you liked milkshakes from this place).

You were beautiful , you smelled amazing , you smiled at the perfect moments. I wanted to kiss you in that moment. But I reserved. You’re friend was cold so me being the person I am gave her my coat. If I recall you were very openly jealous and pissed off at me for this. I wanted that , I had you … or did I ? Did you play me , did you know I wanted that.

In my head you were triggered and showed me I can let you come a little closer , can you see my logic ?

… and the rest we both know was a crazy rollercoaster. To this day I remember that feeling but it would never feel the same as the reality of it, I can’t re create the feeling of my heart being pulled out little by little. You still have my heart and this is me claiming ownership back over my heart.

But nor do I ever regret our chapter , some nights and I sit there and it still bothers me that I feel like I wasn’t enough for you ? Wasn’t pretty enough? Clever enough? Wealthy enough? I tried my best to provide everything you needed but what was wrong with me ? And then there is other days I am grateful for you , appreciate you and I love you from a far.

All of this and you probably don’t even remember me on a good day , but I’m also fine with that , my love for you built me , broke me and I came back stronger and I’m proud of that.

I do miss you , you did break my heart , the only girl that has. But I can accept that , I can accept my faults , I can accept you will always be a huge chapter of my 20’s.

The first night we kissed in my car , cuddled , got close , you cried to me you showed me how vulnerable you are and I loved it. I love the idea of the sexy cold hearted ice queen has a heart and she showed it to me. I wanted to protect you , I felt to need and urge and responsibility to ensure you were loved , looked after and safe forever. I knew I loved you that night.

I will never break that promise , I just need to stop loving you so much that it still hurts because I can’t protect you like that any more and I need to face reality. (I hope you’re not reading this and thinking I’m crazy)

I believe we are in a good place now , it has taken a long long journey to get here but I do believe we are in a healthy good place with each other NOW. So I do not write any of this in hate , reminiscing over it all make me happy but yes also reminds me of a dark place , not just because my time with you with you but a dark place as a whole. Both our mental healths were crazy, we were crazy , you were like a drug to me and I was addicted. I craved instant gratification, and you couldn’t commit that to me.

But all I crave from you now , if you asked me a month ago – to see you for you to look me in the eye and talk to me so I can gain closure.

But I don’t know if I can do that to myself , my partner and every person that supported me after the left over mess I was .

So now all I crave is acceptance of the fact you were aware I loved you – I needed you – and you knew that and willing hurt me. I just need you to claim acceptance on you’re part of the chapter.

Did you ever love me ?

Did you ever love me sexually ? We had moments I know we did ? They haven’t been made up even though you have told everyone they have , tell me the truth just me.

All those kisses ? Cuddles? Strokes ? Chats ? Were any of them real ? Any at all , because to this day I am still loving the idea of you rather than you , I never had you and it turns out I didn’t really know much either despite the endless time we had spent together.

On the 13th of may , after having a little cry in my partners arms this is what I wrote….

Dear The Girl Who…

… opened my eyes to exploring my sexuality AKA the girl who turned me 😂

We met during a time of confusion (the stress of being a teenager is enough) , we started 6th form together you moved with all of you’re fellow secondary school companions and I was one of the few lone fishes. I had many classes with either you or people you had grown up alongside.

If I think back to how we began talking some form of social media , twitter moved to bbm.

I remember the moment you looked at me and I caught you’re attention for a slight second , I don’t think I held it for very long. We were playing a silly little game in the common room with a mutual friend and I mentioned I had kissed a girl before . (I was drunk with friends once at the age of 16 – never did I imagine I was not straight)…

I wonder if you would be able to remember any of this , or was I just a blip in your life.

Now looking back I think I caught you’re eye not out of affection and lust but out of interest. You being a partially out of the closest lesbian , was interested in another individual that could possibly be experiencing a similar journey to you.

However I don’t think you stoped and considered once even after telling you this was new for me , I was confused and lost . I was scared , not because I felt any negative thoughts towards exploring this journey because this was an unknown path . A new path I had never even in my wildest dreams considered. I remember you texting me , asking, confirming and sharing sexuality stories , in which I confirmed I am straight with a boyfriend however ‘but we will find you a sexy boy or girl to party with this summer.’ …

Not knowing then it was ME who spent the whole summer waiting for you to notice me.

Our journey progressed , during English I struggled to keep my eyes off of you , you also intrigued me despite me attempting to maintain a distance.

I was in a horrible, manipulative , toxic relationship and you showed me attention love and kindness and maybe I latched on to that , maybe I latched on because I was confused. Because of you I finally found the courage to leave him , because of you and all my many supportive new friends.

( I also have to give all much love and credit to someone who began as a mutual friend of ours and ended up being my best friend, she barely knew me and this one individual helped me to understand you and my feelings , she taught me I am still Me regardless of who I date , that very friend will always have a special place in my heart)

… back on track…

As soon as I began feeling a little bit comfortable , a little bit reciprocating you just seemed to push me away every time , I still remember the feelings of confusion and excitement – intense overwhelming scary feelings.

Later in life finding out I tend to be attracted to intense.

When sixth form broke up for summer I was so agitated and impatient to go back into an English lesson just to hear you’re voice.

I set my bbm light to a rainbow flash for you’re messages just to make sure I never missed a message. I spent 5/10/15 minutes waiting to reply to the message I had already read just to ensure I didn’t come across needy.

You distracted my bad, you were my good , my happiness and I banked it all on you.

So when things didn’t go my way it did feel to me as thought my heart was shattering.

After a few stolen kisses , many stolen moments and hours of texts followed thousands of lies , deceit and pain. But I put that all down to YOU being confused.

You were the first girl I slept with , you waited for 6th form to be over , you waited for me to forget about you and move on.

Before eagerly texting me to come around to you’re house , I knew you and I knew what you wanted from me.

You used me , you played with my emotions, upon reflection you were never any better than any male who done the same to me.

But I do not regret you.