Science lab (TW)

Its the 21st century.

We are now a generation that have been exposed to the idea of prioritising self love.

And I believe it is very important. But no one teaches or tells you how to turn hate into love.

I grew up in a time that emotions and crying and acting like a little girl was a prominent and common term.

Growing up in a very strong female led household it has always been a very important idea to me. The idea of being strong , we were not taught to highlight emotions or to reach for happiness.

It was disregarded it was important to be successful and strong. Especially as a woman.

As a abuse survivor – I hate , despise that term , being categorised into a section of people that are all so different. It is nothing but belittling. And the term survivor in itself – Im have been and I am surviving – but that is all nothing more or nothing less.

But right now that term helps articulate what I am getting to.

Having that label hanging over you , its even more important for me to view myself as strong whatever that term means.

I was a 12 year old child psychically and to the world , but in mind I was past my years.

School , secondary school is already hard in its own way, but the whole school talking discussing your life. Your trauma.

Well that was hard.

The one person I confided in had shared my pain in the most evil way – she shared it because a boy she liked , liked me.

She put my pain on display but not out of kindness out of cruelty.

All over social media .

For my fellow class mates and older peers , for my teachers & superiors.

I can still recall being summoned from class into my head of years office to see my mum reading over print out of this public humiliation. I was made to feel dirty.

Shameful.

If I cried , showed any form of weakness a teacher was by my side , either off their own back or the ones that were just doing their job after a concern fellow 12 year old had alerted them of my feelings. It was important to me to not break.

At home . I knew my family were hurting from the backlash. Blame , confusion and pain filled our walls whilst being painted in unrealistic grins and smiles.

At school . I was on show , my feelings , my story.

A kind teacher I shall not name let me sit in his room from time to time , the times I needed to escape.

A girl , I could name but has no relevance.

I remember her vividly.

We went to primary school together too, she was one year my elder but had always intrigued me.

She would also sometime be in this teachers classroom , the science lab.

I watched her , at lunch , and her friends , I observed them from my quiet corner.

Constantly breaking rules , time after time.

One day I observed her talking to her friends about pain.

I watched the way she dismantled a pencil sharpener from her pencil case.

I recited the motions in my mind.

Why would she do such a thing ?

I then watched her swiftly swipe the tiny ,half rusty – half shiny ,but apparent blade across her arm. I watched her arm slice and the blood rise.

That memory stayed safe in my mind , stays safe in my mind.

Later than day I arrived home alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts , I too reached for my pencil case.

I recited her actions.

It hurt , but it also felt good. I watched the thin runny red substance form droplets and fall to my wooden floor boards.

It left me confused but happy, the juxtapose in emotions left me overwhelmed but at-least I could feel something. I felt alive rather than surviving by a thread.

I never needed to cry once I had my new best friend in my arms, in my control , in my power. And I wasnt weak for doing so , in my mind I believed it made me strong as the only person that could feel the consequences to my actions was myself.

In this moment I believed I could protect the world from me From my weakness. From my pain. From my shame. From my broken mind and body.

I rolled my sleeves down and made my way downstairs due to the calls of my mother alerting me dinner was ready. In that moment I felt strong and in control – I was not crying like a little girl , I was bleeding like a strong man.

This was my new secret.

My new routine.

Not for the world.

Not for others.

Not open to judgement.

But this was something for me , something only me and my body knew about.

And for that reason I am so protective of you my little habit , so committed & so loving to you .

Because you in a dark way saved me when no one else could. You and only you allowed me to breathe whilst being suffocated.

Now I need someone/ something to teach me how to hate the reason I was able to love myself. This character needs to be eliminated , but I know Im going to have to teach myself how to breath without assistance.

再nd I will be lying if I said I wasnt scared but to commit to the idea of self love , my oxygen tank needs to be switched off.

I am nothing but aware .

And willing.

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Addiction. (Trigger warning)

All I want to do is see it.

Maybe I like seeing it more than feeling it.

I want both right now.

Ive been trying so hard to control my urges.

To stop thinking about it all the time. Its an addiction I know that now.

Maybe once before it was less than that.

It was a release.

Now it is both , I want it for the release , but I need it because how else do I deal with life

Some people are addicted to gambling , smoking , drugs of all shapes and sorts.

My little addiction is a secret

No one can know.

I am 26 .

You believe people you can trust , should trust , the people you believe know you, truly know you, could maybe possibly understand.

So you open up.

It never ends well , you either receive pity, an ambulance , the help chat.

Or , I still am unsure what is worse, the slowly but sure distance that becomes wedged between you and the person you believe could try to understand.

Addictions break bridges.

But when the bridges are broken my addictions are what are with me.

Vicious circles.

Every time the addiction isnt fed , you feel as though you have achieved something , something you are so proud of . Something you cant share with anyone.

Anyone.

That proud smug feeling.

But the addiction is still hungry , longing and screaming to be attended to.

Then something, something just anything happens and you excuse yourself to indulge.

That is the cycle of addiction. And I now understand that.

But whilst Im writing this , Im not feeding it. I am desperate to break the cycle , desperate to know myself again without this dark cloud.

Desperate to connect with people without the shame. The thought of this dirty little secret one day being public knowledge.

I wanted to stop writing at this point.

But all I can see in my head it the thought of my scared and damaged writs feeling that feeling.

Looking that way.

Watching the skin break

And the blood rising to the top

Watching the blood darken , clot and dry

And the stinging feeling of pain hate and regret being left on my body.

I wish I could be better , believe I could be better.

I am 26

When will it be better.

12 year old me that once experimented during a science detention with a broken sharpener never imagined being here today.

… A Reply From A Letter …

Wow.. that was a lot. I just want you to know that I am beyond devastated for how everything went down and I am so unbelievably sorry that this is how you felt!

I dont think I ever took a step back to see what a mess my life was turning into long enough to notice that I was hurting people I cared about and I regret that more than anything! I drunk non stop and popped pills to hide pains that were so deep rooted in me that no amount of anything was ever going to numb me enough.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that my actions affected you this way. At the time we were so in the moment that everything just blew up and I thought that taking myself away from not only you but the world was the only thing that would make the pain stop, I could have dealt with things better but I didnt know how to process any of it. I love you so much ,honestly I was just so confused as to what that meant. You were my best friend and I regret ever putting you in a position that you had to question my feelings towards you. You were so hard to read and I thought you were naturally that way inclined with everyone that I didnt think too much into it at the time and for that Im apologise. To this day I still say its sad how things ended up with us because you were the person I felt most comfortable around and would do anything for.

I have the fondest memories with you and some of the hardest memories of a very difficult time too but I wouldnt change any of it because it helped us grow and stand as the people we are today. Bettered, grown and maybe even a little bit less broken than we both were. For the difficult experiences in life that mould you as a person you can only ever be grateful and Im grateful for you as you are, as a friend and as the one I went through some of the hardest times of my life with.

I struggled to ever get you to open up to me and let me help you through the darkness you would rather have faced alone. So I genuinely want to thank you for letting me see your side of things and letting me in on how you feel. I never intentionally wanted to hurt you or affect your life in such a negative way please believe me when I say that because its the gods honest truth. I just wasnt myself and I didnt recognise what I was doing to people, I hate the person I look back and see.

I would say Id take back all the bad that happened all them years ago but thats one thing I cant do. If I could take your pain and put it on my shoulders Id do it in a heartbeat because it isnt fair you live with anything I caused. I honestly do believe that people come into your life and things happen to you for a reason and although we did end up going our separate ways after loving and loosing I will forever be grateful for all the amazing memories we share and for the love we have for one another! You drove me mad at the best of times (like 90% of the time ha) but you were my rock through a very very difficult stage in my life and I will always thank you for that as I know it wasnt easy. I honestly did try and help you through any hurt and pain you were going through but I guess that never came through, I just wanted what was best for you in life.

I am so proud of how far you have come and how settled you are now! Im pleased you found someone special to stand by your side and treat you well because thats all the things you deserve! Although to be honest I never saw you Miss ********** as the settle down type haha. It just goes to show how much you have grown and become one with who you are and what you want in life. Im over the moon that you are in a better place and I just want you to know that I want you to be able to let go of any hurt towards us and the past I dont know what you needed from me but I hope just reading this message will clarify that nothing I ever did was ever intended to hurt you. Everything in life will help us on the path we are meant to take, I dont like hearing that I am any kind of obstacle in your happiness.

I am truly sorry for everything and I know that may not help you or mean anything but I can only speak for the person I am now.

I have always wished you well and prayed that you find happiness, its all I ever will do.

Thank you again!

Goodbye For Now …

I havent written in a while. Not because Ive been exceptionally busy , but just because.

How Are you all finding lockdown 3. I can remember the hidden joy in all of us last March when Boris told us to have a mini holiday with expenses included.

3 Lockdowns in and it just doesnt seem as appealing as it previously did.

This week has been exceptionally hard for me , probably the hardest in a long time. This this the first time me saying/ thinking/ articulating this. But as a ex self harmer if that is the right phrase to you , I do not like to categorise myself into a group, I am very proud to say I have been in full control of my emotions despite thoughts being in my head to do that as a natural reaction to emotional pain , I controlled myself.

I am still fighting my inner bad bitch as to why this is hurting so much, and now Im going to try & articulate the why to not only you but to me aswell.

Im also learning its okay to have a sad day, because the more I fight it the day becomes a week , a week turns into a month.

Growing up I appeared to be a very solitary , independent child that might not always of been the case it was just the guards I had built in order to protect myself . I knew that if I was alone I was safer than being in the company of others. With adult eyes now Id like to believe I was wrong , it was wrong of me to have such low expectations of people.

However not one adult proved me different to the expectations I had already pre conceived based on past experiences.

I could spend hours describing the abandonment & attachment issues I have due to my absent father but I think this week it hit me. The parent I always focused my energy on was the parent who was not around but doesnt deserve the attention as he was not present.

But then I begin to think of my strong , respectable , loving , caring mother.

Funny thing is though, in her right she is all of the above however I have based all of the above characteristics on the behaviour I have watched her present to my siblings.

This is the same mother who has kicked me out from a young age, repetitively for what I now know was just being being a teenager.

The same mother who when found out her 13 year old daughter was self harming told her to do it properly if your going to kill yourself.

The same mother who compared me to my abusive father whenever I showed any form of emotion.

The list could go on… before I continue this is not me bad mouthing my mother. I respect her as the single mother that put food in my stomach , educated me and put a roof over my head (for the most of it)

Instead this is me putting my trauma on paper , this is me moving on. This is me no longer making excuses , this is the child in me forgiving myself – this may be a process but this is the start.

I will no longer look for validation from those who built me to break me. I was always told I didnt get cuddles and kisses like my other siblings , not because she loved me any less but because I required a different type of love.

Looking back now even 10 year old me knew it was a lie , but we all used this lie to make the norm. I was the bad daughter , the naughty daughter , the stupid daughter , the addicts daughter, the man who drugged & raped her daughter. I dont blame her , I just wish I didnt spend the past 25 years looking for this womans validation.

For those that know me , really know me , you all know I have cheeky/ naughty tendencies ( which most appreciate as it is never coming from a bad place , Im just a bit of a goon) … But I was never naughty , this week my mum very aggressively repeated to me I was a unkind , unloving , selfish person. The 25 year old me shrunk back into the impressionable , angry child I was growing up and remembered the hateful feeling towards myself building up. I started crying – I hated myself for this reaction because I had been taught from a young age to not display these emotions to her … , I was a little child she could bully all over again… my anger kicked in , I learnt so much about myself in this moment – she has & will always be my trigger.

…. and I have not stopped crying since , this was 6 days ago.

If the one human in the world that is supposed to love you unconditionally forever couldnt love me what hope do I have.

My mum has now made the choice to cut me out of her life completely after she confessed once again she regretted not getting me sectioned from the day I was born.

What I learnt from this form of communication that was being thrown at me is that no matter what path I took in my life.

No matter if I was sexually abused or not.

No matter if I then suffered mental health issues following.

No matter if my siblings were naughty or worse children than I was.

No matter if I studied what she wanted me to.

No matter if I got friends she liked.

No matter if I achieved well at school.

No matter if I was straight.

No matter if I was darker.

….I was never going to be enough,

And that is fine too.

I am at peace with that . Regardless of family connection you shouldnt have to fight for anyone let alone a mothers love.

This doesnt make me any less of a person , or her.

We all have our reasons , my goal is now to let go of all these issues for the sake of myself , my siblings , my superstar girlfriend.

I want to be at peace with my mind , and this will take many years I am aware of this but we have to start somewhere right ? And removing toxic energy is the right way forward.

I am and will continue to be the bad bitch my mother taught me to be.

Dear The Girl Who…

… opened my eyes to exploring my sexuality AKA the girl who turned me

We met during a time of confusion (the stress of being a teenager is enough) , we started 6th form together you moved with all of youre fellow secondary school companions and I was one of the few lone fishes. I had many classes with either you or people you had grown up alongside.

If I think back to how we began talking some form of social media , twitter moved to bbm.

I remember the moment you looked at me and I caught youre attention for a slight second , I dont think I held it for very long. We were playing a silly little game in the common room with a mutual friend and I mentioned I had kissed a girl before . (I was drunk with friends once at the age of 16 – never did I imagine I was not straight)…

I wonder if you would be able to remember any of this , or was I just a blip in your life.

Now looking back I think I caught youre eye not out of affection and lust but out of interest. You being a partially out of the closest lesbian , was interested in another individual that could possibly be experiencing a similar journey to you.

However I dont think you stoped and considered once even after telling you this was new for me , I was confused and lost . I was scared , not because I felt any negative thoughts towards exploring this journey because this was an unknown path . A new path I had never even in my wildest dreams considered. I remember you texting me , asking, confirming and sharing sexuality stories , in which I confirmed I am straight with a boyfriend however but we will find you a sexy boy or girl to party with this summer. …

Not knowing then it was ME who spent the whole summer waiting for you to notice me.

Our journey progressed , during English I struggled to keep my eyes off of you , you also intrigued me despite me attempting to maintain a distance.

I was in a horrible, manipulative , toxic relationship and you showed me attention love and kindness and maybe I latched on to that , maybe I latched on because I was confused. Because of you I finally found the courage to leave him , because of you and all my many supportive new friends.

( I also have to give all much love and credit to someone who began as a mutual friend of ours and ended up being my best friend, she barely knew me and this one individual helped me to understand you and my feelings , she taught me I am still Me regardless of who I date , that very friend will always have a special place in my heart)

… back on track…

As soon as I began feeling a little bit comfortable , a little bit reciprocating you just seemed to push me away every time , I still remember the feelings of confusion and excitement – intense overwhelming scary feelings.

Later in life finding out I tend to be attracted to intense.

When sixth form broke up for summer I was so agitated and impatient to go back into an English lesson just to hear youre voice.

I set my bbm light to a rainbow flash for youre messages just to make sure I never missed a message. I spent 5/10/15 minutes waiting to reply to the message I had already read just to ensure I didnt come across needy.

You distracted my bad, you were my good , my happiness and I banked it all on you.

So when things didnt go my way it did feel to me as thought my heart was shattering.

After a few stolen kisses , many stolen moments and hours of texts followed thousands of lies , deceit and pain. But I put that all down to YOU being confused.

You were the first girl I slept with , you waited for 6th form to be over , you waited for me to forget about you and move on.

Before eagerly texting me to come around to youre house , I knew you and I knew what you wanted from me.

You used me , you played with my emotions, upon reflection you were never any better than any male who done the same to me.

But I do not regret you.