Science lab (TW)

Its the 21st century.

We are now a generation that have been exposed to the idea of prioritising self love.

And I believe it is very important. But no one teaches or tells you how to turn hate into love.

I grew up in a time that emotions and crying and acting like a little girl was a prominent and common term.

Growing up in a very strong female led household it has always been a very important idea to me. The idea of being strong , we were not taught to highlight emotions or to reach for happiness.

It was disregarded it was important to be successful and strong. Especially as a woman.

As a abuse survivor – I hate , despise that term , being categorised into a section of people that are all so different. It is nothing but belittling. And the term survivor in itself – Im have been and I am surviving – but that is all nothing more or nothing less.

But right now that term helps articulate what I am getting to.

Having that label hanging over you , its even more important for me to view myself as strong whatever that term means.

I was a 12 year old child psychically and to the world , but in mind I was past my years.

School , secondary school is already hard in its own way, but the whole school talking discussing your life. Your trauma.

Well that was hard.

The one person I confided in had shared my pain in the most evil way – she shared it because a boy she liked , liked me.

She put my pain on display but not out of kindness out of cruelty.

All over social media .

For my fellow class mates and older peers , for my teachers & superiors.

I can still recall being summoned from class into my head of years office to see my mum reading over print out of this public humiliation. I was made to feel dirty.


If I cried , showed any form of weakness a teacher was by my side , either off their own back or the ones that were just doing their job after a concern fellow 12 year old had alerted them of my feelings. It was important to me to not break.

At home . I knew my family were hurting from the backlash. Blame , confusion and pain filled our walls whilst being painted in unrealistic grins and smiles.

At school . I was on show , my feelings , my story.

A kind teacher I shall not name let me sit in his room from time to time , the times I needed to escape.

A girl , I could name but has no relevance.

I remember her vividly.

We went to primary school together too, she was one year my elder but had always intrigued me.

She would also sometime be in this teachers classroom , the science lab.

I watched her , at lunch , and her friends , I observed them from my quiet corner.

Constantly breaking rules , time after time.

One day I observed her talking to her friends about pain.

I watched the way she dismantled a pencil sharpener from her pencil case.

I recited the motions in my mind.

Why would she do such a thing ?

I then watched her swiftly swipe the tiny ,half rusty – half shiny ,but apparent blade across her arm. I watched her arm slice and the blood rise.

That memory stayed safe in my mind , stays safe in my mind.

Later than day I arrived home alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts , I too reached for my pencil case.

I recited her actions.

It hurt , but it also felt good. I watched the thin runny red substance form droplets and fall to my wooden floor boards.

It left me confused but happy, the juxtapose in emotions left me overwhelmed but at-least I could feel something. I felt alive rather than surviving by a thread.

I never needed to cry once I had my new best friend in my arms, in my control , in my power. And I wasnt weak for doing so , in my mind I believed it made me strong as the only person that could feel the consequences to my actions was myself.

In this moment I believed I could protect the world from me From my weakness. From my pain. From my shame. From my broken mind and body.

I rolled my sleeves down and made my way downstairs due to the calls of my mother alerting me dinner was ready. In that moment I felt strong and in control – I was not crying like a little girl , I was bleeding like a strong man.

This was my new secret.

My new routine.

Not for the world.

Not for others.

Not open to judgement.

But this was something for me , something only me and my body knew about.

And for that reason I am so protective of you my little habit , so committed & so loving to you .

Because you in a dark way saved me when no one else could. You and only you allowed me to breathe whilst being suffocated.

Now I need someone/ something to teach me how to hate the reason I was able to love myself. This character needs to be eliminated , but I know Im going to have to teach myself how to breath without assistance.

再nd I will be lying if I said I wasnt scared but to commit to the idea of self love , my oxygen tank needs to be switched off.

I am nothing but aware .

And willing.


Addiction. (Trigger warning)

All I want to do is see it.

Maybe I like seeing it more than feeling it.

I want both right now.

Ive been trying so hard to control my urges.

To stop thinking about it all the time. Its an addiction I know that now.

Maybe once before it was less than that.

It was a release.

Now it is both , I want it for the release , but I need it because how else do I deal with life

Some people are addicted to gambling , smoking , drugs of all shapes and sorts.

My little addiction is a secret

No one can know.

I am 26 .

You believe people you can trust , should trust , the people you believe know you, truly know you, could maybe possibly understand.

So you open up.

It never ends well , you either receive pity, an ambulance , the help chat.

Or , I still am unsure what is worse, the slowly but sure distance that becomes wedged between you and the person you believe could try to understand.

Addictions break bridges.

But when the bridges are broken my addictions are what are with me.

Vicious circles.

Every time the addiction isnt fed , you feel as though you have achieved something , something you are so proud of . Something you cant share with anyone.


That proud smug feeling.

But the addiction is still hungry , longing and screaming to be attended to.

Then something, something just anything happens and you excuse yourself to indulge.

That is the cycle of addiction. And I now understand that.

But whilst Im writing this , Im not feeding it. I am desperate to break the cycle , desperate to know myself again without this dark cloud.

Desperate to connect with people without the shame. The thought of this dirty little secret one day being public knowledge.

I wanted to stop writing at this point.

But all I can see in my head it the thought of my scared and damaged writs feeling that feeling.

Looking that way.

Watching the skin break

And the blood rising to the top

Watching the blood darken , clot and dry

And the stinging feeling of pain hate and regret being left on my body.

I wish I could be better , believe I could be better.

I am 26

When will it be better.

12 year old me that once experimented during a science detention with a broken sharpener never imagined being here today.

A New Years Message (01/17)

Happy New Years to my princess … Thank you for everything the smiles , the laughs even the hurt and the tears .. Because it was

All part of 2016 and despite it all we still managed to enter the New Years together with a smile .. I really do hope 2017 brings you everything you’re heart desires and I deeply regret that couldn’t be me however everything happens for a reason….. you’re a princess and you deserve the world … But you are still young and everything will fall in place at the right time ,

So spend less time stressing and more time smiling this year because that’s when you look the best with a smile

On you’re face … I love you and hope the path you’ve chosen fulfils you in the way that you want/need it to … I wouldn’t of changed the end of 2016 for the world because if I had to think of someone to go through everything with I couldn’t of think of anyone else for it to have been with … All boundaries have been broken between us and I can only speak for myself but although it has only been a few months it feel like a life time with you .. So never hesitate to call , text , snap (since its you’re fave form of communication) , because no matter what happens or even if we happen to grow apart in order for you to be happy , one message and I’ll always be there for you for anything … I mean this from the bottom of my heart , I genuinely pray 2017 is amazing for you and keeps you growing into the beautiful young lady you are …

… A Reply From A Letter …

Wow.. that was a lot. I just want you to know that I am beyond devastated for how everything went down and I am so unbelievably sorry that this is how you felt!

I dont think I ever took a step back to see what a mess my life was turning into long enough to notice that I was hurting people I cared about and I regret that more than anything! I drunk non stop and popped pills to hide pains that were so deep rooted in me that no amount of anything was ever going to numb me enough.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that my actions affected you this way. At the time we were so in the moment that everything just blew up and I thought that taking myself away from not only you but the world was the only thing that would make the pain stop, I could have dealt with things better but I didnt know how to process any of it. I love you so much ,honestly I was just so confused as to what that meant. You were my best friend and I regret ever putting you in a position that you had to question my feelings towards you. You were so hard to read and I thought you were naturally that way inclined with everyone that I didnt think too much into it at the time and for that Im apologise. To this day I still say its sad how things ended up with us because you were the person I felt most comfortable around and would do anything for.

I have the fondest memories with you and some of the hardest memories of a very difficult time too but I wouldnt change any of it because it helped us grow and stand as the people we are today. Bettered, grown and maybe even a little bit less broken than we both were. For the difficult experiences in life that mould you as a person you can only ever be grateful and Im grateful for you as you are, as a friend and as the one I went through some of the hardest times of my life with.

I struggled to ever get you to open up to me and let me help you through the darkness you would rather have faced alone. So I genuinely want to thank you for letting me see your side of things and letting me in on how you feel. I never intentionally wanted to hurt you or affect your life in such a negative way please believe me when I say that because its the gods honest truth. I just wasnt myself and I didnt recognise what I was doing to people, I hate the person I look back and see.

I would say Id take back all the bad that happened all them years ago but thats one thing I cant do. If I could take your pain and put it on my shoulders Id do it in a heartbeat because it isnt fair you live with anything I caused. I honestly do believe that people come into your life and things happen to you for a reason and although we did end up going our separate ways after loving and loosing I will forever be grateful for all the amazing memories we share and for the love we have for one another! You drove me mad at the best of times (like 90% of the time ha) but you were my rock through a very very difficult stage in my life and I will always thank you for that as I know it wasnt easy. I honestly did try and help you through any hurt and pain you were going through but I guess that never came through, I just wanted what was best for you in life.

I am so proud of how far you have come and how settled you are now! Im pleased you found someone special to stand by your side and treat you well because thats all the things you deserve! Although to be honest I never saw you Miss ********** as the settle down type haha. It just goes to show how much you have grown and become one with who you are and what you want in life. Im over the moon that you are in a better place and I just want you to know that I want you to be able to let go of any hurt towards us and the past I dont know what you needed from me but I hope just reading this message will clarify that nothing I ever did was ever intended to hurt you. Everything in life will help us on the path we are meant to take, I dont like hearing that I am any kind of obstacle in your happiness.

I am truly sorry for everything and I know that may not help you or mean anything but I can only speak for the person I am now.

I have always wished you well and prayed that you find happiness, its all I ever will do.

Thank you again!


Dear My Unrequited Love …

I loved / love you ,dangerously and unprotected. I dropped any guards I taught myself to build my whole life. Even after repeatedly being abused and manipulated in the past.

I contradicted my whole life philosophy of shutting humans out just before they get too close , and trust me I tried to shut you away many times. I knew you , me , us combined was terrible but I think my disorderly ways of pushing you away just intrigued you even more. You were a puzzle that I needed to complete.

I thought you trusted in me and I wanted to be a better person for you. You made me want better.

I dont know if I ever stopped loving you , you still have the ability to make me cry, laugh, hurt inside after years apart – how do you do that ? After all these years I learnt to accept maybe youre hold would always be on me , I have tried to lock you away for the sake of me , my new relationship so maybe this letter will help because locking you away hasnt worked for me.

If I wrote this letter a year ago I think it would of been a more emotionally letter , messed up and still healing because thats how bad it got after you left , but you never bothered to check….but since then I have grown , a lot.

Every story has two sides , we have never discussed our sides , everything just erupted , with lots of secrets and lies. This is not me saying youre side / recollection is incorrect. This is just me explaining your presence in my life.

I remember first hearing about you , youre name was always on everyones lips , I was made aware you were dangerous on several occasions. I was a reckless 20 year old student/bar tender , I loved dangerous , I was curious – but I never approached you, I always observed from a far.

I can recall a very drunken night out (which night wasnt) , I think that was the first night I appreciated how beautiful you are , you shined , you also got me very drunk miss bartender. We kissed.

You reminded me the next morning over some very cute Instagram DMs , I still thought nothing of this , like I said I was a reckless 20 year old , you had my attention but it was reserved. I decided to ignore the gossip , I take a person as I see them , I let you become closer.

You started hanging around me a bit more , I couldnt help but notice you – sitting on the end of my bar , smiling, flirting etc , I was charmed , I was excited, I was curious, I thought this girl has balls and she is brave.

Our friendship group was a big size it was easy for me to find an excuse to spend time with you without me asking you , just to test the waters.

I convinced my very good friend at the time who was seeing youre friend to invite us all out for a milkshake (I had over heard you say you liked milkshakes from this place).

You were beautiful , you smelled amazing , you smiled at the perfect moments. I wanted to kiss you in that moment. But I reserved. Youre friend was cold so me being the person I am gave her my coat. If I recall you were very openly jealous and pissed off at me for this. I wanted that , I had you … or did I ? Did you play me , did you know I wanted that.

In my head you were triggered and showed me I can let you come a little closer , can you see my logic ?

… and the rest we both know was a crazy rollercoaster. To this day I remember that feeling but it would never feel the same as the reality of it, I cant re create the feeling of my heart being pulled out little by little. You still have my heart and this is me claiming ownership back over my heart.

But nor do I ever regret our chapter , some nights and I sit there and it still bothers me that I feel like I wasnt enough for you ? Wasnt pretty enough? Clever enough? Wealthy enough? I tried my best to provide everything you needed but what was wrong with me ? And then there is other days I am grateful for you , appreciate you and I love you from a far.

All of this and you probably dont even remember me on a good day , but Im also fine with that , my love for you built me , broke me and I came back stronger and Im proud of that.

I do miss you , you did break my heart , the only girl that has. But I can accept that , I can accept my faults , I can accept you will always be a huge chapter of my 20s.

The first night we kissed in my car , cuddled , got close , you cried to me you showed me how vulnerable you are and I loved it. I love the idea of the sexy cold hearted ice queen has a heart and she showed it to me. I wanted to protect you , I felt to need and urge and responsibility to ensure you were loved , looked after and safe forever. I knew I loved you that night.

I will never break that promise , I just need to stop loving you so much that it still hurts because I cant protect you like that any more and I need to face reality. (I hope youre not reading this and thinking Im crazy)

I believe we are in a good place now , it has taken a long long journey to get here but I do believe we are in a healthy good place with each other NOW. So I do not write any of this in hate , reminiscing over it all make me happy but yes also reminds me of a dark place , not just because my time with you with you but a dark place as a whole. Both our mental healths were crazy, we were crazy , you were like a drug to me and I was addicted. I craved instant gratification, and you couldnt commit that to me.

But all I crave from you now , if you asked me a month ago – to see you for you to look me in the eye and talk to me so I can gain closure.

But I dont know if I can do that to myself , my partner and every person that supported me after the left over mess I was .

So now all I crave is acceptance of the fact you were aware I loved you – I needed you – and you knew that and willing hurt me. I just need you to claim acceptance on youre part of the chapter.

Did you ever love me ?

Did you ever love me sexually ? We had moments I know we did ? They havent been made up even though you have told everyone they have , tell me the truth just me.

All those kisses ? Cuddles? Strokes ? Chats ? Were any of them real ? Any at all , because to this day I am still loving the idea of you rather than you , I never had you and it turns out I didnt really know much either despite the endless time we had spent together.

On the 13th of may , after having a little cry in my partners arms this is what I wrote….