I haven’t written in a while. Not because I’ve been exceptionally busy , but just because.
How Are you all finding lockdown 3. I can remember the hidden joy in all of us last March when Boris told us to have a mini holiday with expenses included.
3 Lockdown’s in and it just doesn’t seem as appealing as it previously did.
This week has been exceptionally hard for me , probably the hardest in a long time. This this the first time me saying/ thinking/ articulating this. But as a ‘ex self harmer’ if that is the right phrase to you , I do not like to categorise myself into a ‘group’, I am very proud to say I have been in full control of my emotions despite thoughts being in my head to do that as a natural reaction to emotional pain , I controlled myself.
I am still fighting my inner bad bitch as to why this is hurting so much, and now I’m going to try & articulate the why to not only you but to me aswell.
I’m also learning it’s okay to have a sad day, because the more I fight it the day becomes a week , a week turns into a month.
Growing up I appeared to be a very solitary , independent child that might not always of been the case it was just the guards I had built in order to protect myself . I knew that if I was alone I was safer than being in the company of others. With adult eyes now I’d like to believe I was wrong , it was wrong of me to have such low expectations of people.
However not one ‘adult’ proved me different to the expectations I had already pre conceived based on past experiences.
I could spend hours describing the abandonment & attachment issues I have due to my absent father but I think this week it hit me. The parent I always focused my energy on was the parent who was not around but doesn’t deserve the attention as he was not present.
But then I begin to think of my strong , respectable , loving , caring mother.
Funny thing is though, in her right she is all of the above however I have based all of the above characteristics on the behaviour I have watched her present to my siblings.
This is the same mother who has kicked me out from a young age, repetitively for what I now know was just being being a teenager.
The same mother who when found out her 13 year old daughter was self harming told her to do it properly if your going to kill yourself.
The same mother who compared me to my abusive father whenever I showed any form of emotion.
The list could go on… before I continue this is not me bad mouthing my mother. I respect her as the single mother that put food in my stomach , educated me and put a roof over my head (for the most of it)
Instead this is me putting my trauma on paper , this is me moving on. This is me no longer making excuses , this is the child in me forgiving myself – this may be a process but this is the start.
I will no longer look for validation from those who built me to break me. I was always told I didn’t get cuddles and kisses like my other siblings , not because she loved me any less but because I required a different type of love.
Looking back now even 10 year old me knew it was a lie , but we all used this lie to make the norm. I was the bad daughter , the naughty daughter , the stupid daughter , the addicts daughter, the man who drugged & raped her daughter. I don’t blame her , I just wish I didn’t spend the past 25 years looking for this woman’s validation.
For those that know me , really know me , you all know I have cheeky/ naughty tendencies ( which most appreciate as it is never coming from a bad place , I’m just a bit of a goon) … But I was never naughty , this week my mum very aggressively repeated to me I was a unkind , unloving , selfish person. The 25 year old me shrunk back into the impressionable , angry child I was growing up and remembered the hateful feeling towards myself building up. I started crying – I hated myself for this reaction because I had been taught from a young age to not display these emotions to her … , I was a little child she could bully all over again… my anger kicked in , I learnt so much about myself in this moment – she has & will always be my trigger.
…. and I have not stopped crying since , this was 6 days ago.
If the one human in the world that is supposed to love you unconditionally forever couldn’t love me what hope do I have.
My mum has now made the choice to cut me out of her life completely after she confessed once again she regretted not getting me ‘sectioned’ from the day I was born.
What I learnt from this form of communication that was being thrown at me is that no matter what path I took in my life.
No matter if I was sexually abused or not.
No matter if I then suffered mental health issues following.
No matter if my siblings were naughty or ‘worse’ children than I was.
No matter if I studied what she wanted me to.
No matter if I got friends she liked.
No matter if I achieved well at school.
No matter if I was straight.
No matter if I was darker.
….I was never going to be enough,
And that is fine too.
I am at peace with that . Regardless of family connection you shouldn’t have to fight for anyone let alone a mother’s love.
This doesn’t make me any less of a person , or her.
We all have our reasons , my goal is now to let go of all these issues for the sake of myself , my siblings , my superstar girlfriend.
I want to be at peace with my mind , and this will take many years I am aware of this but we have to start somewhere right ? And removing toxic energy is the right way forward.
I am and will continue to be the bad bitch my mother taught me to be.